Charms is the new black
by Arlesanna
Summary: 10 years after the war times have really changed. Hogwarts embraces diversity: robes are out of fashion, iPhones are in. Hermione is the most feared teacher and Snape is alive and well and not as scary as she remembers. Minerva has to deal with all the chaos, especially when the pair starts a new sport that surges to popularity and goes viral: The Charms Club.
1. Chapter 1

**Obligatory Disclaimer:** Don't own anything - if I did the verse would be so much more muggle)))

**A/N:** This is a Snape/Hermione story, but I hope it will be different from the classic SS/HG with a) Hermione being the good girl and Snape being the ever angst-ridden miserable spy OR b) with Hermione being the sexy girl and Snape being the sex god of Hogwarts (well those are the types I've read most so...).

I will try to present a slightly different point of view, also political as the magic world tries to embrace the muggle traditions and customs, not just the other way round. Hermione is the youngest teacher in Hogwarts and quite a rebellious one. Snape is of course alive and well.

It might seem OOC, but Hermione's all grown up and Snape's well-rested so a lot of things could and would change so I hope you enjoy it as much as I like writing it!

Thank you!

**AU: Hermione doesn't have any children with Ron in this one.**

**Warnings:** The T rating is mostly for mild coarse language.

**Warnings 2: **This story is not Beta'ed, as I don't take myself serious enough to burden someone with it... But if you feel like being a beta - please PM me I'd be super grateful for your help. Thank you!

A.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1. The importance of being earnest.<strong>

"I can't believe we have discuss this again, dear." Minerva Mcgonagall sighed and fixed the woman in her office with an angry stare. "You know well enough I am quite fond of you, but those methods… are questionable to put it mildly."

Hermione Granger suppressed an annoyed groan - it wasn't easy, but respect for her former teacher prevailed.

"I am aware of your opinion, Headmistress." she answered softly, but firmly. "However, I teach according to my beliefs. You are aware of that. I'm afraid this conversation is leading us nowhere once again."

Hermione took in Minerva's face and wondered for a moment how come her looks never changed. The Headmistress didn't look a day older then the day Hermione first saw her at the sorting ceremony what seemed like ages ago. The memory of that day and of herself as a little girl all bushy hair and book confidence but no real confidence whatsoever - that memory made Hermione sentimental every time. That was the first day of her new life. Her life as a witch. That was the day it all really begun. For all of them.

"And I am afraid you've become quite the legend around here." Minerva's voice snapped Hermione out of her reverie. "Students are afraid of you."

"Isn't that a good thing?" the younger witch chucked, taking a sip of her favourite green tea with a hint of ginseng. The headmistress just shook her head disapprovingly.

"I strongly advise you to take this seriously young lady. I will not have a member of teaching staff as brilliant and capable as you are being referred to as…"

"Cruella?"

"Amongst other things." Minerva threw a brief look at Fawkes who seemed to be dreaming peacefully. It was obvious the bird found this particular conversation about as interesting as Hermione did.

"I am worried for you, Dear. I am sorry to pry but might this be about Ronald?"

Hermione bristled up immediately - if there was one thing she hated it was Headmistress getting all motherly on her. She had a mother, a real one even if that mother didn't remember having a daughter. That thought hurt like a bitch, making Hermione's retort sound much angrier then it was meant to.

"I am sorry Headmistress, but in future I would prefer to keep a professional conversation professional. To answer your question - no, my divorce has nothing to do with my teaching. I believe the new generation is soft, spoiled, too safe, too lazy. I also believe it's my responsibility to teach them the best way I can and I am doing just that. They might be unhappy but you and I both know they can charm. It's working."

Minerva let out a defeated sigh: " I can't argue with you on that, but I would prefer you to have a better reputation… To be loved and respected by the student body…"

"I don't need to be loved and respected!" Hermione knew she was cutting in impolitely, but this was getting way too annoying for her. "What I need is to know that if need be, those children can protect themselves against…" The images of the last battle burned through her mind, making her eyes water. "Anything." she finished quietly.

The silence fell in the room. Those silences used to be often guests after the war. For a long time they would come by and linger. That happened quite rarely now, but even to a more deafening effect, as if trying to make up for the time in between. The silences of mourning, remembering, relieving. Several long minutes later Minerva gave up.

"And those clothes of yours…" She said sternly, but both women knew this was entirely different level of an argument. "You know I'm all for muggle style and we're trying to welcome diversity in Hogwarts, but this is taking it a step too far, don't you think?"

Hermione looked down on her tight leather pants and high heeled boots. Accompanied by a long silver silk shirt the look was quite contemporary and daring.

"In all honesty I think never having to wear those robes again is the best thing that happened to me since the war ended."

"The students are taking after you. We will resemble a muggle school soon with all the jeans!"

"Isn't that the point of diversity?" Hermione arched her eyebrow and Minerva chuckled good-heartedly:

"I think I'm too old for this. But you're right, it's time to embrace the change. Consider it as well?"

"Are we really back to my methods of teaching?"

"Always my dear. Always as long as I am not happy with them."

"Merlin, I can only imagine how hard you were on Snape in our time. He was scary all right."

Minerva smiled suddenly, a twinkle in her eyes. "Well, he was a Slytherin and I didn't care as much for his reputation so he was not granted with my I should say very wise advice."

Hermione smiled broadly at this and replied, as if sharing a secret with the Headmistress:

"I never thought I would say it, but lucky Snape."

"Miss Granger, I have a feeling this conversation is over now. You may go back to torturing your students, but do know that I do not in any way approve of this behaviour."

"Noted, headmistress."

Hermione couldn't wait to leave the room. Her office was about 10 minute walk from here and her office hours had already started. The students must be waiting for her. Hermione smiled devilishly to herself as she walked through the corridors, her high heels clicking loudly on the stone floor. The students tried to avert their eyes and get out of her way quickly, freeing her path and Hermione thought that her reputation came quite handy too often to give it up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Prof. Hermione Granger. Office hours: Thursday 16:00 - 19:00. **

**Sign on Hermione's ** **office:**

**Prof. Hermione Granger. **

**Office hours: Thursday 16:00 - 19:00. **

**Location - TBC**

As she was nearing her office, Hermione heard a mix of children's voices, discussing something eagerly. She wondered how many people there was today. Smiling wickedly she used a mix of silencing and concealment charms on herself, approaching the group of children unseen and unheard.

"Guys, seems Cruella's not coming, she's already twenty minutes late" a boy's voice announced, full of hope. "Maybe we should all just leave?"

"Right. And risk signing up for her freaking office hours until the end of the year? I'd rather not!" A girl retorted, throwing the kids for another round of arguing.

The thing is Hermione was known to be… opinionated. She had opinions on pretty much everything and her opinion on the traditional detentions was very strong: "a waste of time". Most teachers outsourced detentions to Filch or made students do some dirty work, but Hermione decided early on in her teaching career she'd do none of that. Since she quickly became the most feared teacher in Hogwarts, no one ever showed up for her office hours so, having gotten sick of spending three hours a week just sitting in the office actively NOT teaching anyone, she decided to put that time to good use. From that moment on there were no more detentions to be handed out in her class, what was handed out instead were non-negotiable invitations to her office hours.

Her office hours soon became as legendary as she was. A three-hour intensive every week for all ages and capabilities was considered one of the most rigorous classes at the school. Hermione smirked slightly when she thought of what Professor Filius Flitwick would say if he learned that Charms was now considered to be on par with DADA, if not more demanding.

A year ago he retired, recommending her as his successor. After the war Hermione worked closely with the Ministry of Magic on a wide range of projects, both social and scientific. She wrote several articles on advanced charms and arithmancy, keeping in touch with her professors. Nevertheless, Flitwick's recommendation and a subsequent job offer from Minerva caught her by surprise as she had no plan to go back to Hogwarts to teach like... ever.

Hermione was just about to ruin the hopes of her students by revealing herself, when an even better opportunity presented itself in the face of a 4-th year Ravenclaw, Torrence Malow's decision to speak up:

"Merlin, she is a war hero! She is a scientist - my dad said she used to be really famous in the ministry and all… Why on Earth did she decide to rain down on Hogwarts and make our lives a living hell?" He exclaimed, finding immediate support among his peers.

The witch chose that exact moment to remove the concealing charms, revealing herself leaning casually against the wall. She cleared her throat and a stunned silence fell in the hall. Torrence looked like he wanted to swallow his tongue as Hermione started to speak quietly.

"Mister Malow, the truth is that I had no interest whatsoever in teaching a bunch of lazy impertinent children. Follow me."

The sign on her office door changed. now it said:

**Prof. Hermione Granger. **

**Office hours: Thursday 16:00 - 19:00. **

**Location - Room of Requirement**

**ps. if you're reading this means you're too late. 2 additional weeks of O.H. Congratulations!**

Leading the way in front of about 30 students Hermione continued "But. Having arrived here at Hogwarts, I was so dismayed by the incompetence of the students in charms mastery and apparent lack of interest in the subject, that I felt it my duty to right that terrible wrong. And now we will all be working towards that noble goal, please come in."

The large doors of the room of requirement opened, revealing a large hall with 20 workplaces already prepared for the students. Torrence Malow sighed, knowing the next three hours will be even more demanding and exhausting then he imagined.

And so they were.

* * *

><p>At 7 pm sharp Hermione dismissed her students and headed straight to the Great Hall for dinner. As she entered one of her favourite places in the castle she immediately noticed the change in the decor - everything was orange and black and Jack-O-Lanterns of all shapes and kinds were all over the hall. The biggest one sat right in the middle of the hall, a large fire burning inside it. Hermione smiled at the flames dancing in the huge Jack's eyes - it made the pumpkin head look quite playful and mischievous.<p>

Septima Vector and Rolanda Hooch were already at the Head Table and Hermione joined them, slumping on her chair ungracefully.

"Freaking office hours!" She exclaimed. "I'm so exhausted."

"Poor poor Cruella" Rolanda teased, pouring Hermione some pumpkin juice. "Look at your students - I can tell they're off worse then you are."

Hermione glanced down and smiled to herself - everyone from her office hours sat together, 1st years with 5th years, Gryffindors with Slytherins, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, mixed up together, obviously tired from class, but talking and discussing something. After the war the seating policy was changed. The traditional House tables were only used during Sorting at the beginning of the year and the End of Year dinner when the winning House was announced. For the rest of the year students could seat wherever they wanted and Hermione was happy to see that 10 years after the war the student body was more united then ever, the hatchet between the houses buried deep and hopefully forever.

"Well, what can I say - hate for me - uniting people!" Hermione summoned some food onto her plate, not bothering to move to get it.

Roland snorted "Show off" as Septima joined the conversation:

"They don't hate you. You're just very demanding." Being the oldest of the three Professor Vector always tries to be the rational one.

"I just don't have enough patience." Hermione admitted exasperated. "You know, sometimes I wonder, how could I even be so patient with Harry and Ron… They were so lazy! And Neville! I helped Neville in potions all the time! I must have been patient…"

"Why don't we ask him!" With a wink Rolanda leaned over the table and raised her voice: "Professor Longbottom!"

Neville looked up from his plate and smiled at the lot of them. "Yes, Rolanda?"

"Was Granger patient with you when she helped you at potions class?" Roland screamed, and other Professors looked at her disapprovingly. Neville, being the gentleman that he is, reddened at all the attention, getting up from his seat clumsily and approaching the women at their end of the table.

Hermione dropped her face in her hands at the embarrassment and fun of it all as Septima chuckled by her side saying: "The judgment hour has come Hermione, be brave."

Neville was now towering over them, looking at Rolanda incredulously.

"I'm sorry, Rolanda, could you ask me again? I'm not sure I got that correctly."

"Was Granger patient with you when she helped you with potions?" Roland asked once again quite loudly, making Neville turn red all over again.

"Could we keep this down please?" he muttered, knowing it wouldn't help - all the professors were now secretly listening into their conversation.

"Oh come on Neville, everyone knows you were horrible at potions!" as a true quidditch player Rolanda threw another bludger.

"I know, but there's really no need to…"

Now it was Septima who was losing patience:

"So was she?"

"What?" Neville asked once again.

"Patient!" Three women said in unison now, desperate for an answer.

"Err… No?" Neville seemed to be lost in thought.

"What do you mean?" Hermione couldn't contain her indignation, "I helped you in potions for 5 years in a row!"

"I know! But you kind of…"

"Come on Neville, let it out, I won't let her hurt you, promise." Rolanda cheered him on as Hermione rolled her eyes at her.

"You kind of did it for me you know… You'd try to help me and explain it to me, but then you'd just give up on me and end up doing it yourself…"

"Oh no, dear" Septima looked at Hermione with worry. "Now think back and tell me - did you actually help Harry and Ron learn or did you just do their work for them?"

"She did it for them!" Neville answered immediately. "I remember us going to Hogsmeade and them bragging that you took on their homework all the time!"

Rolanda eyed him with annoyance:

"Way to rub it in Longbottom." She gestured for him to go and he left their side, muttering "Glad I could help" along the way.

Hermione just stared at her juice, realisation hitting her like a brick. "Merlin's balls! I was always so sure I'd be a great teacher cause I was able to teach Ron and Harry - the dumb and the dumber - but I didn't! I…" She looked at Rolanda helplessly. "I suck at this!"

"Probably calling the Saviour of the Magical world and his best friend "the dumb and the dumber" is not such a smart idea." Septima Vector sipper her juice with a sarcastic smile.

"Hey! You tried to teach them arithmancy, you know I'm right!"

"I didn't say you were wrong, I said saying it out loud is not the best idea."

"Ah!" Hermione raised her glass and they downed the pumpkin juice symbolically. Rolanda joined them. As their empty glasses hit the table Hermione summoned the juice jar and made it pour them another round.

"We do this with tequila later" She promised with a wicked grin.

"But did I tell you about Slughorn?" Rolanda beamed immediately, exited to share the news.

"What about him?" Septima picked on her salad, deciding against it in the end and reaching for the main course.

"He was working on this project - he calles it boozooka. So the idea is to do the trick of firewhiskey on other drinks."

"Seriously?!" now Hermione was interested.

"He told me a couple of weeks ago he had a new modification. Calls it Killa-Tequila".

"If it's as killer as it sounds I say we give it a try their weekend?" Septima raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"I'm in!" Hermione said with her mouth full as she devoured her dinner. "As long as we invite the new DADA teacher, that scientist Septima fancies and someone hot for me."

"I'm not sure, we've just been exchanging letters…" Septima was now picking on her main course. "It might be very sudden - like one day we discuss equations and formulas and then…"

"And then you say something like "there's a new formula we want to test - it's a friendly gathering, you should join us." And then he comes and it's a killa-tequila party and everyone's happy." Rolanda all but clapped her hands. "Slughorn has a soft spot for me! I bet I could persuade him to let us have this small party in the dungeons! Wouldn't that be proper Halloween fun?!"

Hermione shuddered, just thinking about the dungeons:

"Gives me chills, just remembering those horrid classes with Snape! All the stress." Suddenly she dropped her fork and stared at Septima and Rolanda with wide eyes.

"What happened?!" Rolanda shook Hermione's elbow, but the younger witch was clearly too shocked to answer.

"Honey. Look at me." Septima spoke to her softly. "Speak."

Hermione let out a breath. Then another one.

"I'm Snape!"

"You're Hermione Granger." Septima told her carefully, exchanging a glance with Rolanda.

"No, I know!" Hermione shot them an annoyed look, coming out from her catatonic state. "What I'm saying is I'm Snape! To them!" She motioned to the all the children eating their dinner. "I can't fucking believe it! I knew I wouldn't be as cool as Albus, or Hagrid but Snape! Shit!"

Both Rolanda and Septima were giggling uncontollably and Hermione tried to fix them with a cold stare. "Not funny!"

"Yes funny!" Rolanda managed to get out in between giggles.

"Ok. It's a little bit funny." Hermione admitted, breaking into laughter herself.

After a while Septima wiped her tears of laughter. "But really, Hermione, you're not Snape. For example tell me the worst things about Snape. You'll see immediately you're nothing alike."

"Right, Come on! What did you hate most about the man?" Rolanda supported the arithmancy Professor, both lowering their voices as the topic was now a but more sensitive.

"Come on guys, He is dead. It's horrible to say mean things about dead people." Hermione didn't want to go all out and lecture them that the teacher died saving their lives - it was a bit too heavy for their conversation. However, Septima just shrugged her shoulders:

"Don't be mean. Just be honest."

Threading carefully Hermione answered: "He never paid attention to me in class. He was sarcastic and mean and really hard on those who were bad at potions, He was downright scary and He gave out detentions like… Jack-O-Lanterns on Halloween!"

Rolanda was thoughtful for a moment. "So now it should be quite easy to prove you're not Snape! Do you ignore students in class? I bet you don't!"

"I do actually, especially the ones who are good like I was. I mean it's the weakest student who need my attention the most!" Hermione protested and it was Septima's turn to add:

"Ok, then we all know you don't give out detentions at all!"

"Well…" Hermione's face was a mask of despair.

"But you don't!" Rolanda's expression was stubborn. "You're always free in the evening and you're the only one Filtch doesn't hate for throwing students on him. It's a fact."

"Yeah, but… I kind of use my office hours. Like… I make them come to office hours instead of detentions and it's exactly like a detention, for three hours, just practicing charms… Really, it's the same. And I had over 30 people in office hours today. Means I'm quite generous with those."

"Your office hours are legendary." Septima nodded. "Fine, but you're not sarcastic, mean or scary! You're just demanding!"

"She's mean" Rolanda couldn't help it and giggled. "I've seen her in action, she's plenty mean."

Septima eyes Hermione suspiciously and the younger witch smiled devilishly.

"Well I have to have my fun somehow between all the idiocy, the classes and the freaking office hours!"

"Well, what can I say…" Septima bit her lip as is deep in thought. "Eureka! You're Snape!"

"I know!" Hermione cried and the trio laughed again. "But at least they are getting much better in charms! Like we were all good at Potions... Merlin! I'm a freaking Snape!"

"Congratulations!" Rolanda weeped.

"At least they don't call you the greasy git!" Septima added, trying to catch her breath.

"Yeah, Cruella sounds kind of hot, I like it! Whatever, I'll just have to embrace my Snapeness and enjoy it."

"It's like the man's back! It's not like we missed him too much, but still!" Septima raised her glass.

"Let's drink to that!" The three witches clashed their juice glasses again, winking at each other with killa-tequila party in mind.

"To Snape coming back!" Rolanda announced rather loudly.

The witches laughed loudly. Too loudly. Too loudly because the rest of the Professors fell silent at the Gesture of Headmistress hand.

Hermione, Rolanda and Septima stopped giggling abruptly as they realised Minerva was staring at them. As they all faced her she finally spoke up:

"How do you know?"

"How do we know what?" Surprise was loud and clear on witches' faces.

"That professor Snape is coming back?"

Nothing could have prepared them for that.


End file.
